Wednesday, June 03, 2009

The Korean Central News Agency: Catch the Fever!

PHUTATORIUS
Yeah, sure: the Iraqi Information Minister had his moment in the sun (or was that tracer fire?). But if there is one enduring can't-miss source of government propaganda, it has to be the Korean Central News Agency.

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As the principal mouthpiece of North Korea's Communist regime, KCNA — not to be confused with KCNA The Drive 102.7 FM, "Rockin' hits of the 70s, 80s, and more!" (you won't find "Slow Ride" by Foghat here) — reports daily on developments in North Korea. For example, here's coverage of Kim Jong-Il's "forced march" to visit a fertilizer plant: "forced march" here meaning, apparently, "Oh, crap, it's the fertilizer plant today? Fine. Yeah. Fine. Girls — wait for me. Pull the goddam Mercedes around, and let's get this over with."

And of course, KCNA delives the odd bit of revolutionary commentary, too, which we can assume spins wildly out of Kim's head while he tucks into lobster with silver chopsticks and plans a cross-border raid to mass-abduct the South Korean film industry.

Consider the genius of "Puppet Authorities' Fascist Repressive Actions Flayed in S. Korea," or "Ex-Prime Minister Abe's Outbursts Flayed." That's two flayings on May 27 alone. I defy the West's august publications — The Times, The Guardian — to keep pace with KCNA's flay-rate. And there's quality here, too, as well as quantity. Something about that Old-Timey Revolution Talk just brings a smile to my face and a flush of "red" to my cheek. Let's take a closer look at the Abe-flaying:
Ex-Prime Minister Abe, an icon of Japan's ultra-right conservatives, went off political spasm again.

He recently underscored again the "need" to adjust the legislation for attacking the missile base of the DPRK.

This is nothing but despicable anti-DPRK rhetoric let loose by a militarist maniac almost every day, keen on the hostile moves against the DPRK.

Awesome. And hard-hitting, too. Take that, Limbaugh, you pussy. You spastic right-wing reactionary fascist maniac. Oh, no, wait. That sounds about right. Abandon sarcasm . . !

[Deep breath. Sarcasm resumed:]

And indeed, if it's inspiration that you seek — but you'd be content with bemusement — take a proper gander (pun absolutely intended) at "Two Big and Small Brick-carrying Frames," which tells the story of a young Kim Jong-Il rolling up his sleeves to make a token contribution to the construction of Pyongyang University of Technology ("PyongTech") some sixty years ago.

Maybe if some of you capitalist dogs had the commitment to industrial development that Kim displayed so many years ago — that is, if you could be bothered to get off frickin' Facebook for a minute and carry a brick frame yourselves — well, maybe we'd still have a domestic automobile industry here in America. Think about it, and get back to me. In the meantime, I'll be accepting an unspecified gift from the Nigerien president. (C'mon, KCNA: tell us what they gave him! I'm guessing it was a dildo. They always try to paper over the dildos.)

Readers, consider yourselves "flayed."

2 comments:

Mithridates said...

"Abe's anti-DPRK diatribe was not prompted by the fear that Japan's security might be endangered when its sky would fall immediately."

Priceless.

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