Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Leave My Dog Alone

From the "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" department. Apparently Fenway Franks are being remade and the new supplier "is hoping to wow Fenway's Faithful with a frank that it says is meatier with more distinct flavors of garlic and smoke than anything previously served in the shadow of the Green Monster."
I don't want meatier. I don't want garlic and smoke. I want the same lightly-steamed, no-protein, bland, mystery-animal-by-product wiener served in a wonder-bread style bun with mustard and relish that I've had since I can remember. I'm paying for gastronomical nostalgia here. If I want fine dining I'll go to L'Espalier.

Apparently they're using "leaner cuts of meat than in the old Fenway Frank!" Come on people! I'm not on a diet! I'm at the ballgame, making myself fatter and loving it.
As the first hot dogs rolled off the production line last week at the Chelsea factory, [Kayem Foods Inc., VP Matt] Monkiewicz took a deep breath and smiled: "It smells like Fenway Park."
Great, they're replacing one of the few perfect foods in the world with a wienerwurst that smells like stale urine and sweaty fat guy.

Look, I know everyone prefers their own ballpark cylindrical meat sausage and that's fine. I'm OK with that. Let them have their Dodger Dog if they can be bothered to show up to the game on time. Let them ruin their second-rate Yankee Dog with ketchup. It's not my concern. Really.

But for the love of god, don't mess with my perfect weenie!


Phutatorius said...

You sure this isn't an April Fool's joke?

Look: I can appreciate the traditional Fenway Frank in that hybrid chimera bread-bun. Yeah yeah yeah, it's what you've always had.

But have you ever had a Kayem hot dog? Sweet baby Jesus, they're good. The casings pop in your mouth when you bite into them. Oh, my.

Brother, you'll never look back.

Unknown said...

I had a monster dog once - bad idea. The fenway frank has the perfect mix of bun and dog and with the right amount of mustard you can't really taste any of the elements on their own. With the monster dog the "meat" portion was spilling out of the bun so you had many "meat" only bites. It was wrong. Nobody wants that.

To me the fenway frank is simply a good vehicle for eating mustard anyway which is why the pretzel is the way to go. Plus go down and get it (dog or pretzel). You can't get enough mustard from those little packets. You need the pump and with the packets you risk spraying some "pink hat" in the fake sox tattoo and having her iBanker boyfriend throw his Blackberry at you.

Anonymous said...

For the record, I would never mess with your perfect weenie.

Somewhere written in invisible ink -- perhaps between "meatier" and "garlic" -- is the word "cheaper," which is probably the real reason for the switch.

Phutatorius said...

ONTRI: listen to you. Did you ever think you'd be saying, "I went to Sox games BEFORE it was the hip and glamorous thing to do?" I think I heard Ben Affleck try to make that same case once.

For my part, I welcome a smattering of poseurs in the ballpark. After all, the "pink hats" and bankers are less likely to utter incomprehensible threats/challenge me to a fight for daring to wear an Indians hat in the bleachers.

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