Sunday, February 01, 2009

We're Not Here To Feathers Ruffle

I stopped off at Laurie's Planet of Sound yesterday and picked up the The Super Bowl Shuffle by The Chicago Bears Shufflin' Crew for $4.99 to get me psyched up for what is looking to be the worst Super Bowl since the last time the Steelers sneaked in.

OK, the song is dreadful, but there's a moral in it for Super Bowl favorites. The most important lesson I learned from my eight weeks of Tae Kwon Do was to scream as loudly as possible when trying to break a board at your belt test. The idea is that if you don't break it you'll look ridiculous in front of a roomful of people. Granted, you'll look kind of ridiculous anyway; but really ridiculous if you miss.

I screamed as loud as I could and earned my yellow belt. This means you better not come at me with a knife or I'll use kicking technique #1. Wait, not like that. More straight on. And a little higher. There. Now, slowly. Got it. See, it works.

So there were the Bears in 1986 strutting around in their tube socks, making fools of themselves in as public a way as possible — the week before the Super Bowl. They're buffoons and I have the record to prove it. But think how absurd they would have looked if they lost. They knew exactly how absurd and so they made sure they took care of business and routed the overmatched Patriots 46-10.

If only last year's Pats had taken that lesson to heart, penned a few rhymes about being undefeated, and recorded a video. No WAY they would have lost . . .

I'm the punky QB, known as McMahon.
When I hit the turf, I've got no plan.
I just throw my body all over the field.
I can't dance, but I can throw the pill.
I motivate the cats, I like to tease.
I play so cool, I aim to please.
That's why you all got here on the double
To catch me doin' the Super Bowl Shuffle.


Phutatorius said...

Okay — that's like the worst split infinitive ever. That's like stuffing a squid with its own ink. You don't do that to a verb. It's frickin' cruel.

My question is which is the more enduring legacy for the '85 Bears: the 18-1 record and domination of the Pats in the Super Bowl, or the "Super Bowl Shuffle," which unlike many of the 1980s recordings I talk up on this blog, has not aged well at all?

I never got over the fact that they brought in the Fridge to run the ball in from the 1-yard-line, rather than give surefire Hall-of-Famer and (to my knowledge) All-Around Great Guy Walter Payton the chance to score a Super Bowl TD. That decision didn't strike me as something an "old school" guy like Ditka should have made.

But whatever.

Mithridates said...

You have to allow for poetic license with these things, my friend. Dolphins aren't fish, but "Squish the Mammal" doesn't rhyme. This is art man!

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