Sunday, February 01, 2009

FO Special Edition: P & M's Super Bowl Chat

6:20 PM
Mithridates: are you there?
Mithridates: because she did say "above the fruited main . . ."
Mithridates: General Petraeus looks very small.
Mithridates: F. Scott Fitzgerald didn't know Kurt Warner. Lucky man.

6:30 PM
Phutatorius: Talk about Real American Heroes — they went from the U.S. Airways Hudson River flight crew to a trailer for a G.I. Joe movie. Which has me thinking, "Holy crap — they’ve made a G.I. Joe movie!"
Mithridates: Will Sgt. Slaughter get a cameo?
Phutatorius: I didn't think you could sing about a "fruited" anything in a song about America.
Phutatorius: The Boy wants to watch Bob the Builder. I mean, finally he wants to watch Bob the Builder — in the middle of the Super Bowl.
Mithridates: Not Kurt the Jesus Freak?
6:35 PM
Mithridates: I'm torn. I can't root for the Steelers because they're the Steelers. But I can't root for Kurt the Freak, either. I'm just going to have to be a Hater for this one.
Phutatorius: Warner can get hurt, and the Cardinals can win. You can have it both ways.
Phutatorius: Touchdown, Steelers — I'm gonna put on Bob. Keep me posted.
Mithridates: I'd root for slaughter. I mean, if Arizona got really slaughtered like they deserve.
Mithridates: I'd be OK with that.
Mithridates: CHALLENGE!

6:40 PM
Mithridates: Angels and Demons will be terrible. Stop making bad movies out of terrible books.
Mithridates: NO TOUCHDOWN!
Mithridates: FOURTH AND GOAL!
Mithridates: Field Goal Attempt! Pansies!
Phutatorius: I'm back — no Bob on the TiVo.
Phutatorius: I have 25 buffalo wings.
Mithridates: I have none.
Mithridates: That was awesome!

6:45 PM
Mithridates: So far Doritos is in the lead for best commercial.
Mithridates: I think I know what I'm going to do. Since I don't really care who wins, I'm just going to root for the team with the most Princeton grads.
Phutatorius: Can we just have the old sideline angle back? This swingaround stuff is tiresome.
Mithridates: Holding, #69. How is there not a joke there?

6:50 PM
Phutatorius: The Girl wants wings — and she wants to play on the computer. She's relentless. I don't have enough hands.
Mithridates: Did Michael Cera just jump the shark? So soon?
Phutatorius: The AD movie can still save him.
Phutatorius: Uh, no — that would have been 2-D.
Mithridates: Your geometry is improving
Mithridates: Arizona sucks!

6:55 PM
Mithridates: Terrible. He was WIIIIIIDE open. And they were just talking about how great a start Roethlisberger was off to. Uggh.
Mithridates: OK, he made up for it.

7:00 PM
Phutatorius: Why wouldn't you run a slant like that on every play? Nobody can cover it or break up the pass, and you average 5 yards per play.
Mithridates: 3fast 3furious?
Phutatorius: Chimpanzees are always funny. Chimpanzees and farts.
Phutatorius: If you want to make a big splash in the Super Bow Ad Wars — go with farting chimpanzees.

7:05 PM
Mithridates: And Will Ferrell.
Phutatorius: I'm waiting for Miss Teen South Carolina to come on hawking "Like Such As" perfume.
Phutatorius: Is Roethlisberger wearing a Kevlar vest?
Phutatorius: Kurt, call the Devil back: make the deal.

7:10 PM
Mithridates: I wish they'd stop showing ads for Belgian beer during the Super Bowl

7:20 PM
Mithridates: Oh shit that was awesome!
Mithridates: How did he catch that?

7:25 PM
Phutatorius: Clancy Pendergast.
Phutatorius: I didn't realize Charles Dickens had written the script for this.

7:30 PM
Mithridates: This, by the way, is the quickest moving Super Bowl ever.
Phutatorius: I have to say, it's not easy to type AND handle all of the pretend salamanders The Boy keeps pulling out of the carpet.
Phutatorius: Yes, [Boy]: I DO love salamanders.
Mithridates: Just not congressional districts that look like them.
Phutatorius: Is it me, or is it always 3rd and 22?
Mithridates: It's always 3rd and 22.
Mithridates: It's never you.

7:35 PM
Mithridates: Screaming Germans, Chimpanzees, and farts
Mithridates: are always funny.
Phutatorius: Oh, yeah, screaming Germans are hilarious [thinking of the 1930s and '40s].
Phutatorius: Actually, I've realized how they got to 1-D. A 2-D cutout, rendered in 2-D television, is 2-D minus D. So 1-D.
Mithridates: Only when turned sideways
Phutatorius: Bad move soaking your hands in I Can't Believe It's Not Butter before the game.
Phutatorius: It's not butter, but you can't tell the difference. That's the point, Edgerrin James. Geez.

7:40 PM
Mithridates: No one wants to see you naked!
Mithridates: Who would have thought a flower commercial would be in the running . . .

7:50 PM
Mithridates: Best Super Bowl play ever?

7:55 PM
Phutatorius: I didn't see it.

8:00 PM
Mithridates: woops
Phutatorius: They've been putting the replay crew through the ringer tonight, that's for sure.
Phutatorius: Madden: "if a guy makes a play like that, a run like that, you have to give him a touchdown."

8:05 PM
Phutatorius: Except it's not a play or a run quite "like that" if he's down before the goal line.
Phutatorius: The Pittsburgh Steelers have a charmed existence.
Mithridates: Not that charmed. If they win they have to go back to Pittsburgh and parade.
Phutatorius: They're hiding Keith Olbermann, aren't they?
Mithridates: This is already terrible.
Mithridates: Is he humping the mike stand?
Mithridates: Change songs already. This sucks!

8:10 PM
Mithridates: That's more like it.
Mithridates: Or it would have been if Bruce could still sing.
Mithridates: This is really awful

8:15 PM
Mithridates: Really and truly awful
Mithridates: Really very bad
Mithridates: This isn't good at all.
Mithridates: I want it to stop
Mithridates: I'm changing the channel

8:25 PM
Phutatorius: I'm watching on a delay — had to put The Boy to bed. Clarence is wearing some kind of minister's frock. I love how they import a concert crowd, all of them paid $15 a minute to keep their hands in the air.
Mithridates: Did Warner even run after the guy?
Phutatorius: In the replays he's shuffling awkwardly out of bounds. I think he then kneels in prayer.
Mithridates: Madden just talked about stewing in your own juices. Ick.
Phutatorius: The highway's jammed with broken heroes on a last-chance power drive.

8:30 PM
Mithridates: The stage is jammed with old singers on a last chance to be relevant
Phutatorius: U2, Tom Petty, Springsteen — they don't want to repeat the wardrobe malfunction, so they're going with the old guard.
Phutatorius: I love Silvio Dante on stage left. What would you give to have Paulie Walnuts playing bass?
Phutatorius: Oh, geez — he sang, "I had a friend, was a FOOTball player, back in high school."
Phutatorius: Urk.
Mithridates: DId he really not know that it's called a "fastball?"

8:40 PM
Phutatorius: I ain't gonna play Sun City . . . but I'll do the Super Bowl.
Phutatorius: No to Race to Witch Mountain. Yes to 1-hour Office special.
Phutatorius: This is too easy.

8:55 PM
Mithridates: I want some bacon bourbon
Mithridates: Would you be inclined to drink if all drinks tasted like bacon?
Phutatorius: The Steelers didn't get into the end zone. Somebody call some kind of a penalty.
Mithridates: The first Transformers was the most unwatchable movie I've ever seen one third of.
Phutatorius: Yes, but G.I. Joe is going to be AWESOME.
Phutatorius: Did someone just punch a koala?
Phutatorius: Where are we as a society when people are punching koalas?

9:00 PM
Phutatorius: That Coke ad was pretty good, but they'll never top the one with the Thanksgiving Day parade balloons.
Mithridates: Conan? Really? That guy's terrible. And he set up Terrence and Philip.
Phutatorius: We're funnier than Conan.
Phutatorius: Hell, YOU'RE funnier than Conan.
Phutatorius: What does J.D. Power & Associates know, anyway?
Phutatorius: I heard they rated themselves last at rating the quality of other companies.
Phutatorius: William V. Bidwill: his name is a lawsuit.

9:10 PM
Mithridates: He could be represented by Ben Jarvis Green Ellis
Phutatorius: Yes! It wouldn't be a football game without James Spader telling us that "Strength is power."

9:15 PM
Phutatorius: Mike Tomlin has become the blueprint.
Mithridates: “He got whacked.”
Phutatorius: Yes, and he's a Michigander, so I'm on board with that.
Mithridates: “working with alacrity”

9:20 PM
Phutatorius: Yes! Great stuff from Al Michaels.
Phutatorius: The no-huddle always works. No one should huddle. Ever.
Phutatorius: Arizona's gonna win. You read it first here.
Phutatorius: I like how it's 1st and goal, but the ball was spotted short of the 10.
Phutatorius: Details, people!

9:25 PM
Phutatorius: The Wife just gave the GE ad a 0 rating.
Phutatorius: She's harsh.
Phutatorius: If that were Pittsburgh on offense, they'd have called that play a TD.

9:30 PM
Mithridates: Wow. Pepsuber.

9:35 PM
Phutatorius: The Wife gave that one a -10, and she's considering revising her scale.
Mithridates: That was really bad.
Phutatorius: 4th quarter, tight game . . . time to pick a fight.
Mithridates: Pittsburgh, at this point. I couldn't bear it if Jesus led Kurt Warner to a miracle comeback.
Phutatorius: My father likes to say that if it was al Qaeda vs. the Steelers, he'd root for al Qaeda. That's where I am right now, too.
Phutatorius: Pull for the Cardinals and tune out the post-game interviews. That's how you do it.
Mithridates: I knew your father was a closet al Qaeda sympathizer.

9:40 PM
Phutatorius: Kurt's shaving points. Word is Jesus has big $$$ on the Steelers. It's a conspiracy.
Phutatorius: That was the most flagrant 5-inch penalty I've ever seen.
Mithridates: I don't know how he thought he'd get away with that. The penalty went on for like ten seconds.

9:45 PM
Mithridates: WOW
Phutatorius: WOW!
Mithridates: How do you let him get behind you like that? Unbelievable.
Phutatorius: Yahoo!

9:50 PM
Mithridates: google
Phutatorius: [product placement]
Mithridates: Danica Patrick has no self-respect. Good for her.

9:55 PM
Phutatorius: She's certainly not shooting for "just one of the guys" treatment.
Phutatorius: Tell us about the wind, Andrea.
Mithridates: Arizona needs to guard against the worst possible thing happening (thinks Joe Morgan).
Phutatorius: Right. Asteroids.
Phutatorius: They need to be on the lookout for asteroids.
Phutatorius: Holmes is a Buckeye. I'm not sure how to feel.
Mithridates: I told you all this game was gonna suck

10:00 PM
Mithridates: Holy shit
Phutatorius: Santonio, I don't know how to feel.
Phutatorius: Seriously, these replay guys are under a lot of pressure. You know they're throwing up into Thermoses up there.
Mithridates: Did he just pretend the football was a bottle of Heinz ketchup?
Phutatorius: Was that what it was?
Phutatorius: And here I thought I'd reached a low point with the Thermos slot-in.

10:05 PM
Phutatorius: Pfft.

10:10 PM
Phutatorius: No no no. There is good in the world, and there is evil. The Steelers are evil.
Phutatorius: No, don't try to tell me otherwise.
Phutatorius: You know it's true.
Mithridates: I agree. But the enemy of my enemy is my friend. If it's good enough for US foreign policy it's good enough for me.
Phutatorius: Really?
Mithridates: No, not really.
Phutatorius: That was a logical Mobius strip.
Phutatorius: I can't even figure it out.
Phutatorius: Esp. when you consider it was the Jesus people making U.S. foreign policy.
Mithridates: All right, I have to walk the dog and avoid post-game crap. Be back for one hour Office.
Phutatorius: Shut this down?
Mithridates: Yes.

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