Thursday, January 22, 2009

Lost Evening


My name is Mithridates and I'm a Lostaholic.

OK, so I'm not alone. Lots of people watch this mind-numbing show. The thing is though, I think many of them actually like it. I don't. I think it's dreadful. It reaches in through my eye socket, sticks its tentacles through my auditory canal, and sucks the joy right out of my body.

My own brother got me hooked. Hey, man, I've got the first season on DVD. Watch it for free.
And that first season was pretty damn good and filled your mind with unanswered questions. What was that polar bear doing on Oahu? How did so many hot people get on one plane? How could they sleep on the beach, hike through the jungle, get shot at it, tied up, beaten, and tortured for months and not have their clothes turn to tattered rags? How many seat-belt extenders did Hurley have? How many different flashback scenes can you have in which the heroine gets in with a bad guy and almost gets caught by the authorities and flees town just in time?

But that's it. Season Two was all right. Season Three I actually paid to see on iTunes, but couldn't stomach more than a few episodes. And then I gave it up for good.

I've been free and clear now for six months.

Oh, but then I saw a bit of an episode of season four and went on a binge. I finished my iTunes season three and got caught up on season four on the ABC website which makes you click to end the commercial every ten minutes. You can't even fall asleep and pretend you've seen it. It MAKES you watch EVERY painful minute. I would much rather be in the hatch sitting in the chair, punching in the code every 108 minutes than watching someone else do the same.

But Penny, I've got to sail around the world to get my honor back to prove to your father that I can do it? What? No. Why? Stupid.

And so tonight I watched the self-congratulatory one-hour recap followed by the two-hour season premiere, in which yet another group of unidentified hostiles attacks our heroes for trespassing on their island. One day I'll be on my deathbed begging for those three hours back.

So that's it. No more Lost for me. Cold turkey. Have faith you say, this season's supposed to be really good. But I've watched enough bad episodes to reason that this is highly unlikely, and after all, I'm a Man of Science, not a Man of Faith.


Diana said...

You're destined to watch it. You can't change the future.

Mithridates said...

Oh, and that fucking annoying whiny physicist dude drives me insane. I want him dead!

Unknown said...


Let us not forget I also got you hooked on "The Wire", the greatest show ever so let's call it even.

p.s. I have not watched a single minute since season III.

Phutatorius said...

The TV island I'm most familiar with these days -- to my deep and enduring regret -- is the Island of Sodor. We seem to find ourselves there every night just before dinnertime, as often as I beg of The Boy that, just for today, we might get to go to Sunflower Valley instead.

Just try a few minutes of Thomas & Friends:
"Thomas was cross. He didn't like Emily telling him what to do. Emily was cross. She didn't like that Thomas refused to wear his snow plow."

[Phutatorius sets himself on fire.]

[children's sing-song] "They're 2, they're 4, they're 6, they're 8/Shunting trucks and hauling freight/All with different jobs to do/They're the Really Useful Crew."

"James is a very proud engine. Sometimes he makes Thomas cross."

[Papa smolders on the couch; The Boy sits, riveted, pausing only briefly to sniff at the curious smell of immolated parent three feet away.]

Meanwhile, there are usually at least three brilliantly written, plotted, Clay-mated, Bob the Builder episodes sitting unwatched on the TiVo. There is absolutely no comparison between these two shows.

Oh, what I wouldn't do to have a gang of hostiles make a raid on Tidmouth Sheds . . .

Anonymous said...

One day, I think the Diesels just might do it.

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