Thursday, January 08, 2009

2009 To-Do List: Write Ramones Musical

Ever since Mamma Mia! BLEW UP (y'all), everyone's making these one-band "jukebox musicals". This is can't-miss business, and easy money — the songs are already written. I want in on the action, and I've decided I'm going to write the Ramones jukebox musical. It's going to be titled Gabba Gabba Hey!, and I've already sketched out the plot and picked the songs (most of 'em, anyway). Check it out:

Jackie works the freak show at a traveling "Bonzo" circus, which has just arrived in Bitburg ("Bonzo Goes to Bitburg"). He meets Judy there. She's a punk ("Judy Is a Punk").

Judy takes Jackie to the Ice Capades up the road in Berlin. They fall in love at the Ice Capades ("I Believe in Miracles"), and Jackie decides to quit the circus to be with her ("(I Am Not an) Animal Boy"). Then they want to sniff some glue ("Now I Wanna Sniff Some Glue"). They go do that, but they're bored afterward ("I Just Wanna Have Something To Do"), so they go out to eat.

Their waiter is that guy from Hellraiser ("Pinhead"). He falls for Judy, too, and he doesn't want to be Pinhead anymore. He just met a girl he could go for. But it looks like Judy loves Jackie, and she's not really into Pinhead, probably because of his needles and pins ("Needles and Pins"). So he hatches a plan to mickey up Jackie's Orangina and steal Judy away. He puts a white tablecloth over his head to cover the pins.

Jackie wakes up alone on the floor of the restaurant. He figures out somebody put something in his drink ("Somebody Put Something in My Drink"). Judy's gone. A bystander says she left with a guy in a white sheet. Jackie's convinced that the Ku Klux Klan kidnapped Judy ("The KKK Took My Baby Away"), and he runs off to find her.


Pinhead wants to take Judy down to his basement, but she doesn't want to go ("I Don't Wanna Go Down to the Basement"). He makes her go, anyway, and it turns out there's a wart hog down there ("Wart Hog"). In the basement, Pinhead lays it all on the line ("I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend"). Judy says she would never want to be seen in public with a guy who looks like Pinhead ("I Don't Wanna Walk Around with You"; Reprise: "Needles and Pins").

Jackie pays a retired commando to help him track down Judy ("Commando"). They go around looking. By nightfall Jackie is morose and reverting to his Animal Boy behaviors ("Howling at the Moon (Sha La La)"). Commando wants to know why he acts that way. Jackie tells him he had a lobotomy as a teenager ("Teenage Lobotomy"). He doesn't remember much of anything that happened before that. Commando asks Jackie if he remembers rock 'n' roll radio ("Do You Remember Rock 'n' Roll Radio?"). Jackie doesn't.

Commando tracks Judy to Pinhead's house. They storm the house ("Blitkrieg Bop"), Pinhead talks a lot of smack to them ("You Should Never Have Opened That Door"), and there's a fight ("Beat on the Brat"). Commando and Jackie defeat Pinhead and his wart hog, and Jackie and Judy are reunited (Reprise: "I Believe in Miracles," "The Return of Jackie and Judy").

Pinhead apologizes, and the cast all goes off together to Rockaway Beach ("Rockaway Beach").

Well? What do you think?

I like it, but there are a few unanswered questions. At the end, where do they bury the warthog? Do Jackie and Judy have a happy family life? Is Sheena a punk rocker?

No comments:

Post a Comment